Sometimes it scares me that the clock is ticking mercilessly without an ounce of break. I was still a little girl with ridiculous jokes and colorfully flashy apparels from head to toe, yearning for the marvelous blue sky as I lay down on the green grass and watch the floating clouds with peacefully blank thoughts. I used to think that people will eventually mature as they get older like it’s something ordinary. It’s somehow true and untrue at the same time.
When a kid grows up, he was told to slowly put a brake on his banters and mischief, told to stay put and behave like everyone else in the room. When the adolescence comes to an end, he was thrown in a pit of adulthood with confining responsibilities, told again to get through them no matter what, told to smile no matter what and to cry in silence or else he will be perceived as as weakling. When things don’t work out, he was blamed and shamed for being a failure within the society, told to handle the outrages and negativity while staying sane in such a world. When things work out too well, he received backlashes just the same with mindlessly groundless assumptions, then told to cope with everything as a consequence of the success. When he got into marriage, he was obliged to do a perfect parenting and spouse to make a happy little family, also told to afford the financial and spiritual well-being and family quality time at once. When he became an elderly, he was expected to be healthy, happy but not to be a nuisance for the family. It definitely is not the case for some people with privileges, but relatable for many others who had to struggle hard throughout their life. This is the reality. This is why you see that adults are just little children trapped in the body of grown-ups. I’m not saying it to put the blame on the rest of the world and be the special snowflake, but just to friendly remind everyone that we’re supposedly past the era where judging is cool, perfection is demanded and acceptance means surrendering. We are in the era of being compassionate with one another, enough said.
Just when I believed that life would make sense, I crumbled down again over the baffling absurdity that I was forced to deal with in life. It has matured me enough not to set any expectation to people unless I’m prepared for the worst possibility. I personally see 2019 as the year of keep-it-or-leave-it. I have seen myself detaching from the things I thought I didn’t want to lose in order to keep me sane, because overthinking really hurts. Overthinking allows you to discover the worst traits in yourself and other people, even the traits that didn’t even exist in the first place. I let them go with peace just because I have had enough with abusing myself emotionally. If it isn’t worth your time and energy, just let it go.
There were some goals I managed to carry through in 2019, leaving some others still untouched. I experienced the most joy and the bleakest moments throughout the year. I made new friends and walked out on the friendships with some others. I did feel some desperation just as much as I felt the presence of God, knowing that every milestone wouldn’t have been possible without His love and guidance.
I used to believe that a day without productivity is a waste of time. I spaced out thinking of what do I do to comply with such a standard, which ended up wasting my time for real because I was too occupied with anxiety and insecurity of not doing well enough in life. Such an insecurity emerged as a result of comparing myself with some fractions of other people’s life, not knowing what is actually happening behind the curtain. It has gotten through my head that occasionally working overtime is not a waste of time, allocating time to have fun is not a waste of time, and idling away at weekend is also not a waste of time. The only way to waste your time is by overthinking every “what-if” and creating problems that weren’t even there to begin with. I have learned to be content with every imperfection of my plans and life goals, because that is okay. It will not dwindle away the productivity, but rather upsurge the peace of my mind.
Life is, anyway, making choices out of endless options and dealing with the consequences that chase after like a domino effect. If you are going after the top of the pyramid in the society, you hafta sacrifice the so-called work-life balance. If you are hankering for the jollity of life, you hafta convince yourself to live without much progress and achievement. There is no right or wrong, but there are always back-fence talks from here and there.
I turned 23 this December and it benchmarked the real beginning of my supposed adulthood. There were bittersweet moments I would always recall in mind, but the important lesson is that I really believe that there is no need to keep running after those who are bound to escape. The right people, be it friends or a lover, will gravitate towards you despite any circumstances. Some people had me question my own self-worth over their zero effort and mindless interactions, some others brought me to tears just by watching their attempts to keep me in their life no matter what. I pursue people or goals who are worth my time, money and energy.
It’s 2020 soon and I hope everyone may live their life to the fullest and be genuinely happy, because time is priceless no matter how much legacy you own in this mortal world.
The Scorching Heaven 